Trader Joe’s says: Fresh from California

Abi says: There was a time in college when I was depressed but I didn’t know I was depressed and all I did was drink juice. No food, just juice. My favorite juice was Naked Tangerine juice. It was both sweeter and tarter than regular orange juice.

Fortunately, that experience with vast amounts of juice drinking has not scarred me permanently. I remembered the amazing flavor of tangerine juice while I was at Trader Joe’s the other day and decided that since I’d taken a bus to Wal-Mart to get a car battery (I kid you not) I would treat myself to some expensive juice. Yes, my Trader Joe’s is next to a Wal-Mart. And yes, I carried a battery home on a bus. A car battery. It was really, really heavy.

This tangerine juice is just as good as I remember the Naked Juice being, and remember, I wasn’t eating back then, so juice was A-MA-ZING. This juice comes in the standard ‘two servings per bottle’ size and requires shaking before drinking. In a lot of items I don’t enjoy separation (cheese sauce, for example), but in juice it says to me ‘This is real juice with real fruit ingredients’. If you don’t like pulp and having to shake your juice, this may be a problem.

I’ll probably buy another bottle of this juice the next time I go to Trader Joe’s. It is healthier than chocolate milk, even if it is not shelf stable, and the package is totally recyclable.

Adina says: Get a pure rush from this rich, smooth brew - packed with a guarana kick and the antioxidant equivalent of four servings of fruit! We add a sexy swirl of buttery caramel and a splash of reduced-fat milk to our Organic, Fair Trade Colombian coffee. No chemicals - and never, ever anything artificial. Drink no evil.

Abi says: “What does guarana do?” I mused aloud to my coworkers while typing away at Wikipedia.

“Is that the one that helps with memory, or is that another one that starts with a ‘G’? I always get them confused.” One responded. “Or is it that bat poop?”

I shook my head and said “No, that’s guano.”

It turns out that guarana is a fruit that’s 5 times as caffeinated as caffeine. While this was exactly what I needed at 3pm, my taste buds thought otherwise. The Adina Natural Highs Hazelnut Hook Up is just plain gross and reminds me that I really, really need to pay more attention to my senses. When you smell a cold beverage and your stomach flips, that is a bad, bad sign.

As a woman who enjoys the occasional hazelnut (I’m from Oregon, land of filberts) and hazelnut-flavored item (vanilla latte with two pumps of hazelnut syrup) Instead of a creamy nuttiness there was nothing but ultra-sweet blech overlaying weak, milky coffee. The company’s website says that this flavor involves a “sexy swirl of buttery caramel” a statement that makes me wonder if they just don’t know what hazelnuts are. I’ve purchased a couple other items from the Adina Natural Highs series (vanilla and espresso) with the hope that hazelnut is simply a weak point in the line-up.

If you feel like ignoring my advice, you can get a 24-pack of Adina’s Hazelnut Hook Up for $45 from Amazon.com

Ingredients: Fair Trade Organic Colombian coffee (water and coffee), reduced fat (2%) MILK, Fair Trade Organic evaporated cane juice, natural flavors, pectin, guarana.

Kern’s says: Made from whole fruit from concentrate with other natural flavors

Abi says: For a long time, I’ve been in love with the “First 4 Ingredients” notation at Writers and Artists Snacking At Work. While reading the ingredients list on Kern’s Apricot Nectar, I was reminded of that writing tool and decided to use it to show you why this was a mistake of a beverage purchase.

First 4 ingredients:

• Water
• High Fructose Corn Syrup
• Apricot Puree Concentrate
• Natural Flavor

Yes, this drink contains more High Fructose Corn Syrup than fruit. Ew. It only took one sip to make me realize that I’d chosen the worst ever possible accompaniment for my falafel. I was hoping for a sweet, refreshing alternative to my Mediterranean food and instead I got a tongue-coating nuclear orange nightmare.

Do yourself a favor and stay far, far away from Kern’s Apricot Nectar. Unless you enjoy drinking sugary orange-colored syrup masquerading a juice. If so, I’ve got just the drink for you.

Trader Joe says: A blend of juice, herbs & vitamin C combined to fortify you.

Abi says: Unsaid on the bottles, but definitely implied is that this beverage will protect you from colds and flus and all-around general illness. Check out this list (by the way, this product is NSFV or Not Safe For Vegans):

• Echinacea (16:1 extract equivalent to 1600mg)
• Vitamin C (175mg) - A Powerful Antioxidant
• Royal Jelly (75mg)
• Bee Propolis (50mg)
• Lemon Bioflavenoid (50mg)

While I’m familiar with Vitamin C and highly skeptical (rightly so according to the National Institutes of Health) of Echinacea, I have no idea what Royal Jelly, Bee Propolis, and Lemon Bioflavenoids are supposed to do for me during cold and flu season.

I remember Royal Jelly from a Nancy Drew book that involved some runners and a Russian athletic diva (after considerable internet research it turned out to be Nancy Drew No. 96, The Case of the Photo Finish). Bee propolis is a sealant for unwanted open spaces in the hive. The example in Wikipedia notes that it would be used if a mouse or lizard crawled into the hive and died there. Unable to carry out the invaders, the bees would seal it in with propolis. Yum!

I can’t find any literature on Lemon Bioflavonoids that isn’t produced by a Vitamin company, but it appears that a study performed in 2007 showed that the antioxidant properties of flavonoids so loved in test tubes didn’t actually perform in the human body. It appears that Trader Joe’s is actually selling us tasty juice full of wishful thinking.

Don’t worry, this stuff won’t hurt you. Plus, the juice tastes pretty darn good and completely lacks any ‘herb’ flavors. If you’re in the mood for some orange juice and your mom is in town and you’d like her to think that you’re taking good care of yourself, put a bottle of Trader Joe’s Defense UP in the fridge.

If you’re not that worried about appearances, regular old orange juice is just as effective as the additives in this beverage.

San Pellegrino says: Sparkling Lemon Beverage

Abi says: My local Whole Foods has a terrific deli. Oh, the crepes are perhaps the most horrible crepes I’ve ever had in my life, but the teriyaki and Indian and barbecue and burritos are all pretty darn good. Add the hot bar, several soups, and gorgeous salad fixings and you’ve got my favorite buffet in town. Except for one little problem: no Diet Coke. That’s right, it is impossible to get a Diet Coke at Whole Foods. And most other drinks there are crazy expensive. I like juice, but if I’m eating an entire meal, I don’t want to pay another $4.00 for an Odwalla Cranberry-Lime Drink. Enough is enough!

That’s why I go for San Pellegrino Limonata. It complements just about any meal, is light and refreshing, and at 99¢ is just about the cheapest beverage you can get at Whole Foods and it comes all of the way from Italy. The terrifically short ingredients list doesn’t hurt either:

• Water
• Lemon Juice from concentrate
• Sugar
• Carbon Dioxide
• Natural Flavors
• L-Ascorbic Acid

One thing I should point out is that this drink, which is best described as ’sparkling lemonade’, clocks in at 180 calories. It might be High Fructose Corn Syrup Free, but it isn’t a spa treatment. Of course, you could drink this and pretend that you’re at a spa. In Milan. Resting after watching a fashion show. It makes the lack of Diet Coke more bearable.

[On Amazon.com they have a 6 pack of San Pellegrino Limonata for cheaper than I can buy it at Safeway]