Izze Sparkling Clementine
Price: $1.79
Serving: 12oz., 1 bottle
Servings Per Container: 1
Calories: 135 per serving
Fat: 0%, 0g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 1%, 15mg
Protein: 0g
Carbohydrates: 10%, 33g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 per bottle
Izze says: Clementines, sweet little cousins to the orange, have been used throughout history as both aphrodisiacs and characters in catchy banjo tunes, though rarely at the same time. Then again, nothing quite gets us in the mood like an old miner’s song.
We say: Since Starbucks dropped Jones Soda products in June, Izze is as close as we’re going to get to having a carbonated beverage in the coffee mecca. That’s right, no more Root Beer with cute pictures, no more clear Cream Soda, and no more weird Blue stuff that we never drink but just stare at while trying to decide whether or not the ceasar salad wrap is safe to eat.
Instead, we get Izze, owned by Pepsi (they also bottle those nasty Frappuccinos). Izze is simply fruit juice, soda water, natural colors (beta carotene in this case) and natural flavors (we have no idea what those are, they don’t tell us). Izze’s Sparkling Clementine is also fantastically good-looking, with minimalist decorations on the bottles, terrific colors (thanks, beta carotene!) and a classy font. Because typefaces are really, really important when choosing a beverage.
Izze beverages are just the sort of thing that one sees in Starbucks, but never in real life at our grocery store. Okay, so they might be at your grocery store (if you shop at Whole Foods), but since we haven’t seen them we are pretending that they only exist in the alternate universe known as Starbucks. Izze sparkling beverages shall henceforth be known as Schrodinger’s Soda.
While it isn’t something we’d drink every day (a case of 12 is $17.00 at Whole Foods - yikes!). It is nice for an occasional treat. You know, for when you want to feel like virtuous yuppy.
Filed Under Juice Cocktails, United States, Izze, Fat Free, Orange, High Fructose Corn Syrup Free, All Natural, Four Stars
Miller High Life
Price: $3.69 for six
Serving: 12oz., 1 bottle
Servings Per Container: 1
Calories: 143 per serving
Fat: 0%, 0g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 0%, 7mg
Protein: 1g
Carbohydrates: 4%, 13.1g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 per bottle
Miller Brewing says: Miller High Life, the “champagne of beers,” is a timeless American beer dating back to 1903. Miller High Life is a classic American-style lager recognized for its consistently crisp, smooth taste, classic clear-glass bottle and its famous “Girl in the Moon” symbol. Miller High Life embraces its rich heritage and is positioned as a refreshingly authentic beer. For our target consumer, Miller High Life is a refuge for the real in an increasingly pretentious world. As the best beer value in America, we encourage our target consumers to “Take Back the High Life.”
We say: Right now Miller is running a campaign in which delivery men walk into Dean and Deluca look-a-likes and take all of the Miller High Life. They are the anti-delivery men and they are taking back the High Life from snooty stores.
As though they even sell the High Life there.
Why not take the Sarah Maclachlan music video guilt trip route and just say “Miller High Life: $3.69 for a six pack. And by not making a commercial we brought water to 7 African villages.”?
Yeah, that’s the whole ad campaign. Or don’t make ad campaign. Be like Trader Joe’s and make High Life the next 2-buck-Chuck, relying on word-of-mouth to boost sales. Oh wait, word of mouth campaigns rely on a product being good, whereas this beer is just cheap.
So, if you’re looking for a relatively cheap way to get drunk, pick up a six-pack of Miller High Life. You’ll seem semi-classy because it comes in bottles, though if you’re anal about recycling (like us) that will probably suck for you because you’ll be forced to put the bottles back in your messenger bag and take them home where they can be properly recycled.
Give us a break, we’re from Oregon.
[If you aren’t familiar with the Miller High Life Delivery Guys commercials, here’s the restaurant version:
We love the part where the delivery man scoffs at the $11.50 hamburger, saying “$11.50 hamburger, y’all must be crazy.” The first time around, we (being East Coast people) didn’t get it, thinking ‘Yeah, $11.50 is a bit much for a hamburger, but not if it comes with guacamole, cheddar cheese, bacon and a side of tater tots.’
Maybe these commercials aren’t for us. Maybe these commercials are for people who eat at What-a-burger, people who laugh at the idea of $11.50 hamburger, people who go apoplectic when they visit New York or L.A.]
Filed Under United States, Miller Brewing, Alcohol, Fat Free, High Fructose Corn Syrup Free, Beer, Three Stars
Mayorga Coffee Roasters Americano
Price: $1.90 plus tax
Serving: 12 oz.
Calories: 10 per serving
Fat: 0%, 0g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 0%, 0mg
Protein: 0g
Carbohydrates: 0%, 0g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 0g
Caffeine: 150mg
Mayorga says: The perfect espresso will be delightfully sweet, have a powerful, potent aroma, be similar in flavor to freshly ground coffee, have a dark, reddish-brown crema that’s both thick and smooth, be one that you love to drink and inspires you to brew for those who share your passion.
We say: We have to admit that Mayorga’s biggest draw is the free wi-fi. Plus, they offer actual dairy-based creamers, a feature that the Vegan bakery across the street can’t match. Unfortunately, their baristas offer only general destruction when it comes to making espresso-based drinks. The only sure shots on the menu are iced beverages and we often the find the markup on iced beverages a bit much to bear. Well, that and we have lactose issues.
So this weekend, when we needed a place to chill out and browse the shoes at Piperlime (good for looking) and Zappo’s (excellent customer feedback on the shoes), we made the mistake of getting something hot.
The Mayorga Americano is simply so-so. Not brutally horrid, but just the average sort of drink that makes one think “Why did I have to go all fancy. I could have just made a cup of coffee at home.” There’s no clue that espresso was involved in the evolution of this drink. For all we know they brewed a bit of French Roast, topped it with some water, and decided to start charging more. The Americano is a bit bitter and lacks any of the subtle sweetness that should accompany fresh-brewed espresso.
We’re beginning to think that the only draws for this chain (free wi-fi and iced drinks) won’t have enough charm to attract us come winter.
Filed Under United States, Mayorga, Vegan, Coffee, Coffee, Fat Free, Four Stars
Krispy Kreme Rich Coffee
Price: $1.69 plus tax
Serving: 16 oz.
Calories: 18 per serving
Fat: 0%, 0g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 0%, 4mg
Protein: 0.6g
Carbohydrates: 0%, 0g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 0g
Caffeine: 230-350mg
Krispy Kreme says: A refined, aromatic coffee with balanced, rounded intensity. It’s a roast with a simple name, but a complex and robust flavor.
We say: Some people allege that we stop at the Krispy Kreme for coffee because it a) has doughnuts and b) is on the way to work. This is not true.
We stop at Krispy Kreme because their coffee is reliable. That and we have the willpower to resist the doughnuts from Krispy Kreme, especially since the ones at the Dupont Circle store are deep fried somewhere else, trucked to the store, and then simply glazed here. That sort of grossness is simple to decline.
However, their coffee is not easy to turn down. First because it $1.69 for a 16 ounce coffee. While this is a bit much to make the beverage a daily habit (we’ll suffer through the free stuff available at work most days), it is enough to guarantee that one is getting something of a bit higher quality than your standard gas station fare.
You might think that 4 stars is a high reward for providing consistent better-than-gas-station coffee, but if you’ve ever had a job that involves waking up at 4:45 a.m., you understand the importance of routine.
Filed Under Vegan, United States, Krispy Kreme, Gluten Free, Coffee, High Fructose Corn Syrup Free, Coffee, Fat Free, Four Stars
Dannon Light & Fit Mixed Berry Smoothie
Price: 95¢ for one bottle
Serving: 1 bottle, 7 fluid ounces.
Calories: 70
Alcohol by Volume: None
Fat: 0%, 0g
Cholesterol: 1%, <5mg
Potassium: 7%, 230mg
Sodium: 4%, 85mg
Protein: 5g
Carbohydrates: 4%, 13g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 12g
Phosphorus: 15%
Dannon says: Want a deliciously easy way to maintain your balanced lifestyle even when you’re on the run? Enjoy a DANNON™ Light & Fit Smoothie™! No smoothie is lighter than DANNON™ Light & Fit™ Smoothies. With a great taste and only 60 calories per 7 fl oz bottle, you can drink them every day. Do something good for yourself today - have a Light & Fit™ Smoothie.
We say: On summery Saturday mornings we enjoy walking to the local farmer’s market to pick up peaches, a fresh baguette, and a chocolate croissant. When it is cool we go for a small cup of coffee. When it is boiling hot outside (as it was this last weekend), we pick up experimental drinks from the bakery cold case.
Today, the 95¢ sign advertising these smoothies caught my eye. After all, what could be better on an intensely hot and humid day than a yogurt-based smoothie? It turns out that there are approximately 18 zillion items more palatable that this drink.
Dannon’s Light & Fit Smoothie is the sort of beverage that makes you feel virtuous for being on a diet. That’s how awful it tastes. The flavor is nothing but pure artificial intensity, the entire smoothie is only 3 percent fruit, and the color is approximately the shade of a jaundiced version of Grimace. The major culprit in this drink disaster is overuse of Splenda. Just because the marketing folks say it tastes like sugar doesn’t mean that it actually tastes like sugar. And even if it did taste just like real sugar, there is far too much of it in this beverage.
We drank approximately half the bottle before deciding that if long life and health meant surviving off of Dannon smoothies, we’d rather be slightly plump and dead.
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